All about the "Social" part of Dancing
We all have our favourite partners. Usually, these are partners where we could spend a long time dancing with them, and still enjoy our time. Sometimes, we’re more than happy to ask and re-ask for dances throughout the night. A re-ask (for the purposes of this article) is when you ask a person for a dance more than one time in a night. It doesn’t matter whether your first ask was accepted or declined; later asks are still re-asks.
A couple days ago, I wrote an article about how teaching on the floor is almost always inappropriate. Out of many conversations, there were a couple common threads that kept appearing: What if I feel I’m in danger, or something is hurting me? What if it’s a social after a class, and/or I’m practicing and figuring out a new movement with a friend? What if it’s someone where 5 seconds of advice could calm them down and make the whole dance better? To me, ‘floor teaching’ does not apply to any of those scenarios. To me, they were completely different concepts…
If we’ve been social dancing for any length of time, we know that one of the golden rules is to ‘never teach on the dancefloor’. It’s irritating, it’s rude, and it makes your partner feel really crappy. I’m not talking about the follow who requests that their hands not be squeezed, or the lead who requests a follow not to self-dip. I’m talking about those <s> lovely </s> individuals who stop a dance to explain to you what you’re doing ‘wrong’ and how to fix it.
Social dancing is a language. We have our own set of cues and responses that people understand and respond to with various degrees of efficiency. There’s people who speak fluently, people who speak basic, conversational dance, and those who only know a few words. Beyond the movements we use for actual steps, we have a second ‘hidden’ language. This language is what we use to communicate issues that we’re having with the other person’s dancing. This hidden language is sometimes MORE important than the ‘dance language’ itself.
There are very few reasonable reasons to leave a dance before the end of a song. Generally speaking, agreeing to a dance means you are agreeing to spend a minimum of 1 song with that person. It does not mean taking a test-drive, and then deciding 30 seconds later that you no longer want that dance.
Each dance has its own style and ‘standard’ look. Lindy Hoppers love their retro gear, while WCS dancers favour slacks and pants. Brazilian Zouk loves its body suits, and Tango is all about emphasizing the legs. Beyond how we dress our bodies, there are usually ‘standard’ body highlights present in styles. For example, Kizomba showcases the derriere, and Zouk the hair. WCS emphasizes lines, and (once again) Tango emphasizes the legs.
The vast majority of us are not social dancing for the sex, but a lot of us have had at least one crush on a fellow dancer. When I say crush, I mean an actual, romantic crush. I do not mean a dance crush, where you absolutely adore the person as a dancer – but without the romantic attraction. I mean you actually want to explore more of a romantic connection with that person.
I want to tell you a true story. It’s the story of a woman who said no to a man when he asked her for a dance. She had never met him before, and didn’t want to dance with him at that time. The man was a bit hurt. He felt he had been judged prematurely. He felt that he had been looked up and down, and declined because he didn’t ‘look’ like a good dancer. He decided to never ask the follow to dance again.
We all know that teaching on the dance floor is not a nice thing to do. But, what about asking your partner to change a particular thing when they do something you don’t like during a social dance?
Dear Beginner, I’m so happy you decided to social dance. I’m so happy that you’ve decided that this magnificent world has caught your interest – and I hope it holds it. You’re going to meet many, many amazing people, have fantastic nights, and perhaps even travel to unbelievable events. But you’re also going to be told ‘No’.
When you receive a selfless dance, it is magical. It can make you feel like you are on top of the world. At a minimum, it makes you feel happy and peaceful. It can lift your spirits or mend your mood, because the selfless dance is exactly what you needed in that moment. It can rescue your mood after a bad dance. It can make you forget about your daytime troubles. It can create a magical memory to take home. It can make you fall in love with the dance. But, the Selfless Dance should not be about you.
“I can tell exactly how my partner dances in the first 5 seconds” I’ve said it before. I know I’m not the only one; this is a pretty common idea in the social dance world. I’ve even written about how critical those first 5 seconds can be for understanding how to compensate for your partner.
How do we know if someone wants to dance? Luckily for us, there are a few behaviors that are dead giveaways that someone is looking to dance. This doesn’t necessarily guarantee that they’ll say yes – but it certainly improves the odds!
Note: Drinking can be a problem for both leads and follows at congresses or events. This article is written from the perspective of a follow, but should be applied equally to both leads AND follows. Congresses are fun. Many are fun not only for dancing, but for partying with friends. At these parties, some people tend to drink a lot. Some of the people that drink think that it makes them a better dancer. It doesn’t. Maybe 1 or 2 drinks makes you more ‘creative’ and less inhibited; 5 or 6 do not. As for 10+, deeeefinitely not.
“Well, if she could ACTUALLY follow, then…” “He didn’t give me what I wanted. So, I let him know that.” “God, she’s always off time. It’s impossible to dance with her.” “He’s so boring. Can’t he just do something interesting once in a while?” “I didn’t have any good dances because my partners sucked.” “I lost that competition because my partner messed up.” I’ve heard just about every iteration of these thoughts from social dancers. Some more often than others. But, should we be saying these things?